Official Rulebook

The Rules

There are five of them. One is non-negotiable. The rest are more of a framework. Read them before you arrive calibrated.

The Cardinal Rule

—A minimum blood alcohol level of 0.7 is required to step on court. This is the only rule that cannot be waived, argued, or replayed.
—The BAC of 0.7 must be maintained throughout the match. Dropping below this threshold during play is considered unsporting conduct and grounds for a service break.
—Pre-match calibration is strongly encouraged. Whatever method works for you is the right method.
—This is not recklessness. This is science. The 0.7 level is where your true calm potential is unlocked. We have witnessed it. It is beautiful.

—Any attire is allowed. Truly. We mean it. Pyjamas, a tuxedo, a wetsuit — none of it is our business.
—Sunglasses and a hoodie during night play are fully permitted. We assume you have your reasons.
—Playing without shoes is permitted. The court surface will have opinions. They do not count.

—Standard padel scoring applies for sets. If you do not know standard padel scoring, we will explain it once and then shrug.
—The tie break is played to 5 points. Or 7. Or more. The exact target is determined on the day based on: (a) the weather, (b) the general mood of those present, and (c) a third factor to be announced at the time of play.
—The Committee reserves the right to change the tie break target mid-tiebreak if conditions shift significantly.

—Winners may remain on court for a maximum of 3 consecutive matches. After that, you must step off and let someone else have a go. Glory is temporary. Rotation is eternal.
—New players entering the court always start with serve. No exceptions. New blood earns the first ball. This is tradition.

—The goal is to unlock your true calm potential. The 0.7 BAC requirement exists in service of this goal.
—Respect the game. Respect your opponents. Respect the glass. Do not respect your own nerves — that is precisely what we are here to dissolve.
—The league reserves the right to award trophies for categories not previously announced, including but not limited to: Most Composed at 0.7, Best Barefoot Serve, and Most Appropriate Hoodie.

Final Note from the Committee

These rules were written at 0.7. They have never been revised sober. The Committee considers this a feature, not a bug.